Wait until I tell you what she told me.

For a long time, many conversations I partook in began that way. And to be honest, I always left those conversations feeling a little deflated. I knew they weren’t constructive. As a matter of fact, they were downright destructive.

These conversations weren’t held because we were concerned about someone and trying to help – they were, pure and simple, gossip. The ugly kind of gossip that hurts. It almost became normal that every conversation was about someone else. Until one day I thought to myself, “If this is how this person talks about everyone else, I wonder how they talk about me…”

It’s funny, because we often get this little niggling feeling somewhere when we know we aren’t supposed to be doing something, and I always felt it. I left every conversation deflated and feeling guilty about how I was acting. Pulling away was hard. I had had so many conversations about my own frustrations and hopes, and my fear was, Will they share it all? In the end, this friendship ended, partly because it was causing me to become a person I did not want to be. I also had to come to terms with the fact that if anything I said ever came up, I’d have to own it.

Realizing you have been in the wrong is not an easy thing to do. Admitting it to others is even harder. I know I wasn’t the best version of myself for a long time, and sometimes I still get caught in that gossip cycle. But I am much more conscious and aware now, and I will often stop myself or turn the conversation in a different direction. No more conspiratorial whispers and no more judg-ey looks. Because I have been on the other side of those, and I know it’s not fun.

How do you stop gossiping?

1. Catch yourself. There are always going to be people around whom we are more prone to take up this behavior. Recognize when the gossiping starts, and around whom it starts.
2. Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself what it is about this person that is causing you to speak badly of them. Are you upset with them over something? Jealous? Seeing yourself in an undesirable behavior of theirs?
3. Look for a solution. Are you the problem? Does someone else suck you into this cycle of gossip? Can you address it with that person? Cut ties?
4. Have a confidante. Sometimes, you need to vent. You need to share about something that bothered you. Sometimes you even want to know if certain thoughts or feelings you have are valid. Find one person with whom you can do that (but don’t just unload on them).
5. Look for the good in others. When you look for the good, it’s often hard to focus on the bad. I often remind myself that nobody is perfect, and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

There is a quote that I try to remind myself of often, and it helps remind me that discussing people is not the most productive use of my time.

I don’t know about you, but I feel better already.

xoxo